Welcome To Insanity

Code Monkey Cover Redux

2011-01-27T09:33:00.002+08:00

This is for the NSP Code Monkeys.

Code Monkey
Lyrics and Music by Jonathan Coulton

Code Monkey get up get coffee
Code Monkey go to job
Code Monkey have boring meeting
With boring manager Rob
Rob say Code Monkey very dilligent
But his output stink
His code not "functional" or "elegant"
What do Code Monkey think?
Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write god damned login page himself
Code Monkey not say it out loud
Code Monkey not crazy, just proud

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart:
Code Monkey like you

Code Monkey hang around at front desk
Tell you sweater look nice
Code Monkey offer buy you soda
Bring you cup, bring you ice
You say no thank you for the soda cause
Soda make you fat
Anyway you busy with the telephone
No time for chat
Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle he sit down pretend to work
Code Monkey not thinking so straight
Code Monkey not feeling so great

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart:
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you a lot

Code Monkey have every reason
To get out this place
Code Monkey just keep on working
See your soft pretty face
Much rather wake up, eat a coffee cake
Take bath, take nap
This job "fulfilling in creative way"
Such a load of crap
Code Monkey think someday he have everything even pretty girl like you
Code Monkey just waiting for now
Code Monkey say someday, somehow

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart:
Code Monkey like you

I Heart You Online Cover

2011-01-21T23:34:00.003+08:00

This is actually a heavily edited video. Guitalele, vocals and video were all recorded separately then stitched.
Used: Line 6 Pod Studio UX2 and
Audio Technica AT2020

I Heart You Online
by Rocky And Balls

Every morning I wake up, with lingering dreams of you
And my heart is beguiled
I struggle to think just what else I can do
Than log into my favourite online social networking website!

I want to be in your profile picture
I want to be a permanent fixture
On your wall
You're so beautiful

I want to be in your profile status
Feature in the place where you update us
Maybe then I'll have you in mine
I heart you online

I can see from your information
You like japanese animation
And stir-fry
Well so do I

I've read the books that you love reading
I must say you're quite appealing
Maybe you could poke me some time!
I heart you online

ba ba da....
Click on my face and tell me that you love me!

You sent a message with three kisses
Could be wrong, but I think this is
Your way
To convey

That my love's not unrequited
But I won't get too excited
Since you're only virtually mine
I heart you online
I heart you online
I heart you online

credits
released 30 June 2009
Words and Music by Rocky and Balls

Jonathan Coulton - Code Monkey Cover

2011-01-05T23:47:00.005+08:00

This is for the NSP code monkeys.

http://www.jonathancoulton.com/songdetails/Code%20Monkey#

Code Monkey By Jonathan Coulton

Code Monkey get up get coffee
Code Monkey go to job
Code Monkey have boring meeting
With boring manager Rob
Rob say Code Monkey very diligent
But his output stink
His code not "functional" or "elegant"
What do Code Monkey think?
Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write god damned login page himself
Code Monkey not say it out loud
Code Monkey not crazy, just proud

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart:
Code Monkey like you

Code Monkey hang around at front desk
Tell you sweater look nice
Code Monkey offer buy you soda
Bring you cup, bring you ice
You say no thank you for the soda cause
Soda make you fat
Anyway you busy with the telephone
No time for chat
Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle he sit down pretend to work
Code Monkey not thinking so straight
Code Monkey not feeling so great

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart:
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you a lot

Code Monkey have every reason
To get out this place
Code Monkey just keep on working
See your soft pretty face
Much rather wake up, eat a coffee cake
Take bath, take nap
This job "fulfilling in creative way"
Such a load of crap
Code Monkey think someday he have everything even pretty girl like you
Code Monkey just waiting for now
Code Monkey say someday, somehow

Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart:
Code Monkey like you

Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest Cover

2010-12-30T00:50:00.001+08:00

Staind - Everything Changes - Cover

2009-08-20T00:59:00.002+08:00

Please be merciful with comments. I'm trying my best. Really.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

True Faith - Hi! - Cover

2009-08-19T00:26:00.001+08:00

The park is empty, my beer's already warm
And the shoppers have all gone home
Drunken and weary, I almost thought I forgot
About that someone who hit that spot

Love was a thing you wanted to know
And so with one wish, I did gave a show
Now that you're back with a half-baked smile
Just skip the bull, let's talk for a while

Hello, how have you been
Who've you been seeing this past few weekends
I know it's not me
I know that it's you I'd love to be with

When you want to be free
It's so funny how you should hurt someone
And that someone was me
I'm just a man, not much with plans
But I do believe in what I stand

Love was a thing you wanted to know
And so with one wish, I did gave a show
Now that you're back with a half-baked smile
Just skip the bull, let's talk for a while

Hello, how have you been
Who've you been seeing this past few weekends
I know it's not me
I know that it's you I'd love to be with

Hello, how have you been
Who've you been seeing this past few weekends
I know it's not me
I know that it's you I'd love to be with

Love will tear us apart again, and again, and again

Hello, don't say good-bye, don't say good-bye
Just say hello, just say hello
Don't say good-bye, don't say good-bye
Just say hello, just say

Hello, how have you been
Who've you been seeing this past few weekends
I know it's not me
I know that it's you I'd love to be with

Hello, how have you been
Who've you been seeing this past few weekends
I know it's not me
I know that it's you I'd love to be with

Hate Me

2009-08-11T23:45:00.002+08:00

Hate Me
Blue October

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so f*cking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
For you
For you
For you

Introspection 002: Everyone's Doghouse

2009-08-07T13:23:00.001+08:00

Instrospection 002

Ninja Assassin Trailer

2009-08-01T21:14:00.002+08:00

Ninja Assassin trailer. Awesome.

Career Test Results

2009-07-09T21:26:00.004+08:00

I decided to take pigeonhole's test. What she took, anyway. Check it out here.

This is what I got:

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to stimulate your senses and your mind, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:
Novelist
Photographer
Vet
Medical Technician
Paralegal
Geologist
Marine Biologist
Graphic Designer
Online Content Developer
Webmaster
Computer Security
Producer
Computer Programmer
Technical Writer
Systems Analyst
Meteorologist
Artist
You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don't like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don't like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

You like to be involved deeply in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others at all costs.

You trust what is certain. You only like new ideas if they can be practically applied to the situation. You value what is real. You use your common sense. You like to utilise the skills you have instead of learning new ones. You are very specific and detailed when writing or talking to others. You follow directions well. You like things to be laid out for you to do instead of working them out for yourself. You like decisions to be made. You don't like things to be left in limbo. You like to know what you are getting into before you commit to something.

You like to focus on the here and now. You enjoy completing projects. It is important for you to achieve and succeed. Therefore, you believe in working hard and playing later. You like to set goals and work towards them.

I'm sad that there is no mention there of a career that involved making a lot of money with the least amount of effort. That would be my career choice.

If you ever want a machine to do the decisions for you (think magic 8-ball + personality test). Hunch is for you.

Tmax Is New Project David

2009-07-09T17:57:00.003+08:00

A Korean company called TmaxCore just announced a project called Tmax Window 9. It's supposed to be an entirely new OS written from scratch. For now, it runs MS Office applications and the replay mode Starcraft. Starcraft was probably the first milestone test, this being Korea. Some dude who understands Korean has translated and compiled information about TMax Window 9.

A new OS in 4 years with 100% windows ABI compatibility. Really now. I've heard this song before from somewhere.

Remember a few years back when a little known company in the Philippines called SpecOpsLabs unveiled with much splash their baby called Project David? If you have no recollection of what it was, it's supposed to be a layer on top of Linux that will enable Linux to run Windows applications. It was met with a huge amount of criticism particularly because the Project David screen shots all indicated that it was running Wine (since it exhibited all of wine's GUI bugs). All of that and they failed to acknowledge that it was running wine. Not that it has to. But these kinds of disclosure is important if you are trying to sell your company to MS.

And now this new OS comes along. I won't be surprised that this is running on top of ReactOS or Linux + Wine. For those not in the know, ReactOS is basically a non-unix based operating system built entirely around wine. Tmax Window 9 has been met with a lot of enthusiasm from the Korean media as much as Project David has been met with a lot of enthusiasm from the Philippine media. It's not a bad thing. I have nothing against Korean programmers and a new OS is not a bad thing. But prior experience tells me that this is a lot of hot air. The wine project has been around for 16 YEARS. Really.

North Carolina Sewer Monster

2009-07-07T15:29:00.001+08:00

I'll be sure to have nightmares about this one. More evidence of the impending apocalypse!

DO NOT WATCH if you have a heart condition or slightly squeamish.

You have been warned.

From the bowels of io9:

[The] city of Raleigh, North Carolina, is responding as the viral video of a seething blob in the city sewers made its way across the internet yesterday. Marti Gibson is the Environmental/EMS Coordinator for Public Utilities in the city of Raleigh, North Carolina, and she has been as confused as the rest of us. When she first looked at the video, she emailed our anonymous source to say it was a slime mold that was in the phase of its lifecycle where it looks like a throbbing, breathing animal (see io9's report on slime molds from a few weeks ago where we talked about this exact thing).
She assured our tipster that any water passing by this slime would pass through a treatment plant and be thoroughly cleansed. But then, a few hours later, Gibson retracted her statement in an email...

A Hearty Meal Of Stupid

2009-06-15T21:10:00.002+08:00

I know Microsoft has a lot on its hands just trying to promote IE8. But this is stupid.
The large letters up front says 8 meals for every download. The fine print says this:

Only complete downloads of Windows^® Internet Explorer^® 8 through browserforthebetter.com from June 8, 2009 through August 8, 2009 qualify for the charitable donation to Feeding America^®. Microsoft^® is donating $1.15 per download to Feeding America^® up to a maximum of $1,000,000. Meals are used for illustrative purposes only. Meal conversion is effective until June 30th, 2010.

Seriously, where can I get 8 meals for $1.15?

Gadgets Galore

2009-05-25T22:09:00.004+08:00

These are all my gadgets here.

As you can quite clearly see, there are quite a lot of them. In order left to right:
Macbook, Sony PSP, Sony Ericsson T650i, Samsung U4 mp3 player mounted on a Belkin 4 port usb hub, HP Compaq laptop and a Western Digital MyBook Essential 1TB. Those are a lot of gadgets. That's not including the camera I used to take the pictures.

So I decided to clean up my act (along with my table). I sold the HP Compaq laptop (goodbye Ubuntu) and replaced the U4 media player with something more robust (iPod Nano). I've yet to sell the U4.

It was going fine until I realized that my extension cord was out of place on the table. I bought some office trays from Ikea but it wasn't working out. I tried putting the extension cord at the floor under the desk but it was very troublesome to go under the desk to shut off the power. In the end, I decided to screw some holes at the side of the awesome maple table and fasten the extension cord there. I wasn't kidding about the awesome part. I now literally have blisters on my fingers just trying to screw holes on it's side. Now, it's on the side of the table but I am still able to turn the power on and off selectively.

This is how the extension cord is now mounted:

And this is the finished setup:

Setup: Macbook, cheap China-made 7-port hub, iPod Nano, Sony Ericsson T650i on a stand, Western Digital MyBook Essential 1TB. PSP is not in the picture. I still have it though. And of course, the camera I am holding. The white thing there is an Apple remote for on the bed viewing.

Yes. That is Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report.

Introspection 001: Unfair

2009-05-25T10:19:00.002+08:00

Along with other false starts, I now hereby decide to start introspecting my life with the use of other people's parodies of it through the medium of poorly drawn comics about geeks

Introspection 001

More Evidence Of The Impending Zombie Apocalypse

2009-05-20T14:43:00.002+08:00

I have enough nightmares to keep me awake at night. This one will keep me awake till the zombie apocalypse comes true.

I need to arm myself.

Old Photos

2009-05-19T15:15:00.003+08:00

I've just noticed that mousechaser has added a few old photo sets to his flickr account.
The memories... I barely remember them. :p

Links:
AOTS First Day
AOTS Field Work Day
Tokyo Edo Museum

Why did you ever let this go?

Lost Teddy Bear

2009-05-03T23:52:00.006+08:00

My girlfriend lost a teddy bear in Batanes Resort's Itbayat Cottage Room B. Her name is Mirella. If you know anyone who works there, or knows anyone who knows someone else, please help me find her...

I know it's cheesy but it means a lot.

This is Mirella and she's a product of Blue Magic.

[Update] As per the comment below, she has been found and she is safe. :)

Free Energy (kinda)

2009-05-02T21:30:00.004+08:00

We need a way to get to get these technology into gym equipment.

Those are cellphone chargers, by the way.

Organizing Flickr Photos

2009-05-02T17:07:00.003+08:00

I shall be removing all my photos in Flickr and re-uploading higher resolution pics with geotag information.
I started using flickr as a free service not knowing I'd like how things progressed with the site. Photobucket is still pretty retarded as of today.

If you have links to my photos and/or have set them as favorite, I regret to inform you that you'd just have to re-link to them again or not link to them at all. I don't really care. I think that this move is the best for me and I'm the one paying for the service.

I might have to re-link to some of my own photos too from this blog. damn it.

Places I've Been

2009-05-01T10:40:00.003+08:00

So, I've finished geo-tagging and organizing all my memories in iPhoto and I've noticed a trend.

No. I did not intend to skip those countries.

This Begs The Question

2009-04-29T09:09:00.004+08:00

The news that the pre-myspace tragedy that is geocities is going away soon has been around for a short while. Upon knowing this, someone actually decided that he wants to save all of it. Are animated gifs, rotating "Under Construction" signs, and the horrendous blink tags really worth saving for posterity?

Well... maybe to serve an example to the people on myspace (and a growing number on friendster). I should really close my account there.

Letting Go

2009-04-05T23:40:00.010+08:00

I love my macbook.

Sure, it has some funky stuff.

The chicklet keyboard layout is a bit weird and it's missing some keys that I've grown to love (home, end, page up/down... I shall miss you so).
iPhoto flickr integration is retarded.
For an OS that wants to sleep with designers, they sure can't configure font size preferences.
And a whole lot of other things (some of which I haven't found yet).

But aside from those, this baby does all the things I want to do.
Without making me worry about:

What file system I should use or how many partitions and how large.
What flash implementation I should install so that I can view youtube with all it's retarded contents.
The choice of hardware I want to buy because the OS doesn't support it or when it does indeed support it, you'll see that the support is horrendous and lackluster or basic at best.

And those are just the software details. Don't get me started on the hardware... It's awesome. It's pretty and functional and kinda schizophrenic the way it can't decide if it's a business person or some cool hip chic. Bottom line, it's sexy.

It's the only laptop I've gotten that made me want to rethink my choice in table preferences. Just earlier today I was thinking, "I should have bought a glass table and install some ambient lighting... Maybe I could trade my awesome maple hardwood table". Good thing I realized that my table is already awesome. Ambient lighting on a wooden table perhaps?

That pic was totally ~~stolen~~ borrowed from this post. More workspace modification ideas here.

For the curious, I totally blame Danny Choo for my obsession. My curiousity started here. Read if you dare.

So yeah.... Linux... I have to let you go now. We can still be friends though.

Fun With iPhoto '09

2009-04-04T11:12:00.009+08:00

Despite the horrendous flickr integration (that I dealt with using the flickr uploadr), iPhoto '09 is a really fun application to use. I started organizing pics from as far back as 2004. The trip down memory lane is a bit disconcerting but nevertheless, geotagging and faces are really cool features. I shall reorganize my flickr stream after I finish organizing the rest of the photosets.

Now lets talk about the faces feature. It basically lets you name people in a photo and subsequent searches will show all the photos that contain that person. Cool feature.

It's fun to see it go bonkers when you throw in a group pic.

Sometimes, it's trying too hard to identify people.

Sometimes, it's not trying at all.

And sometimes...

Leopard Rant 003: iPhoto Flickr integration sucks

2009-04-01T21:06:00.002+08:00

iPhoto is a great app but the flickr integration is just horrendous.

You cannot upload to an existing set that wasn't created in iPhoto.
Uploading one photo will create a new set for it (since you cannot upload to a previously existing set).
Deleting the flickr set which was created in iPhoto will also delete the photos in the set in flickr.

The last one is a definite fail. I think this was done to promote Apple's own mobileMe platform.

I'll probably try some other tools to export to flickr.

Pomposity

2009-03-31T16:24:00.001+08:00

iPhone users are pompous asses too.

I write this solely to refer to my seatmate who constantly fawns over his iPhone.

Amusing

2009-03-30T14:38:00.002+08:00

War At Home

Satire, they say. The comments were mostly amusing. Mostly trading his insults for another.

Also, those commenting on that article just serves to prove that Filipinos are mostly uneducated sheep who can't even give constructive criticism or spell for that matter. Don't get me started on grammar. Mine can be faulted too but I think I can tell when grammar is just atrocious.

Unfair Advantage

2009-03-29T23:43:00.003+08:00

I try not to enjoy myself too much while I'm here away from my girlfriend because I think that I might make her feel that I'm being a bit unfair.

Tonight, I found out that I was right.

Sometimes I hate being right.

Singapore Earth Hour

2009-03-28T22:17:00.004+08:00

Earth hour was today. Surprisingly, more people celebrated/participated on earth hour today than last year.
Here are some pics from the not-so-uneventful earth hour.

Simei had some activities lined up to keep people away from their homes for about two hours (starting before actual earth hour). The mall itself had lights as was the train station (duh) but a lot of the HDB's were pretty supportive of earth hour. I wasn't interested much so this is the only pic I got.

This block has pretty much all of their lights out.

This is our block. There were a few non-supportive/uninformed tenants. The hallways were lit though.

Pretty successful if you ask me.

Leopard Rant 002: 80's Mouse Cursor

2009-03-26T23:27:00.006+08:00

The leopard cursor is non-customizable. It would seem that apple hates the modding scene. Above you is a screen shot of the default leopard cursors which cannot be changed. Add to those to the spinning beach ball of impending doom. I've gotten that busy cursor before for half a second but it never really did end up hanging anything. Good for me, I guess.

Anyway, it all looks so dated. I can understand nostalgia. But this is ridiculous. Ping me if this ever has a chance of being changed.

Leopard Beef: Menu Font Sizes

2009-03-24T23:17:00.005+08:00

This is my first beef with Leopard: Application Menu Fonts.
As I write this, I have found no way to change the menu fonts. It's large. It's not really a problem but it's sad that there isn't a way to do this. Beef.

Windows has this:

Ubuntu (gnome desktop) has this:

Leopard has this:

What the hell?

I've found an application called Tinker Tool which might do the trick since it has these:
No dice. Doesn't do anything noticeable. Sadness.

I Have

2009-03-24T15:46:00.003+08:00

I finally gave in. Bought a brand-spanking-new macbook unibody.

It's sexy. I like.

It somehow feels like I've finally let go of my love affair with Linux. This is an excellent machine (even with it's idiosyncrasies). I might try Linux every now and then and I'm still subscribed to the distrowatch site but as of now, I'm liking this baby. It knows how to please.

I'll try to post my experiences surrounding it for the next few days (or I'll try to since I'm lazy).

I Want

2009-03-18T10:45:00.004+08:00

I want a Macbook. I can afford a Macbook. I can afford two. Why wouldn't I buy one?

For one, I still have a functional machine. A trusty Compaq laptop. It's a bit underpowered and even struggles to run eclipse (while running compiz) but it works and I can do Stuff on it.

But... It's gotten boring. Linux has gotten boring. Nothing new. Same old bickering. Vi vs Emacs and KDE vs Gnome. And meanwhile, Skype still occasionally chokes and refuses to show myself when doing video (until I stop my video and start it again). Pulse audio continues to make a mess of things. How am I supposed to edit the audio balance of my laptop for totem previews? When one does a mouse-over to an mp3, it automatically starts playing. But of course, when I move the mouse to pulse audio settings, it stops playing and the volume control for totem previews disappear. How utterly retarded. I have to use keyboard controls. I'll try that later.

I'm sure there are workarounds to this. There was a time when I enjoyed tinkering. But I feel old. I just want to DO or MAKE and not FIX or FIGURE OUT before I can actually do things or make things.

My laptop occasionally does important things like these too:
I wonder if this would be faster in a Mac.

I want.

Enough Is Enough

2009-03-16T22:22:00.004+08:00

I have had enough of people trying to tell me that I should be working somewhere else.

I was not good enough to enter that search company. Maybe I'll be good enough someday. But I'm not ready to try again and I don't ever want anyone to force me or psych me into it.

I have had enough of people telling me how good they have it. Good for you. Now please learn to stop doing that.

I have had enough of people comparing me with other people. I am not them and their lives are not mine.

I aim to be me. Deal with it.

I have had enough. Sometimes I can never be too far away from the people I am trying to avoid.

Stuff

2009-03-15T21:29:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, I think that I already have all the stuff I need. Basically, I really do have all the stuff I need. But sometimes, I also feel like I want to buy more stuff. I don't know why. I've never felt more rich than I am now. Not that I'm that rich but I've never felt wealthier. There is probably a deep seated psychological need to satisfy a want that could be temporarily alleviated by buying stuff with the new stuff smell in the box.

I want:

A macbook (or two) (specially since this)
A mini cooper s (because of this)

Yes. Illogical. But I want them and I'm going to save for them. Among these other things:

Emergency fund
Investment(s)
House
Marriage (a bit far away but never too early to start saving for this)

The problem now is how to prioritize...

Taxes

2009-03-15T21:23:00.004+08:00

I just realized that after more than a year, the address on my employment pass is incorrect (addressed to 4 stories downstairs). Now, I have to figure out how to correct them because otherwise, I couldn't receive my tax assessment and hence, couldn't pay them.

Update:
Ok. That was easy enough.
Called this number: 1800 356 8300
It's the IRAS helpline for the salaried employee.

Now to figure out how to tell MOM.

Sore Throat

2008-10-29T08:17:00.003+08:00

I need this right now: King-To Nin Jiom Pei Pa Koa

Normally, I don't trust eastern medicine. There's no logical reason why tiger phallus would have any blue-pill effects. Not that I tried myself... but you know... I'm just saying.

Anyway, western medicine doesn't have anything close to this stuff. Where can I find this in Singapore?

Empty Office Morning Edition

2008-10-22T00:17:00.000+08:00

Yep. I work early mornings too.

And here's a view from "my" window:

Empty Office

2008-10-21T00:23:00.000+08:00

This is the office at night. Yes. I am doing overtime... Again... Sadness.

Sale at Takashimaya

2008-10-19T21:06:00.004+08:00

I've decided to start posting a picture a least once a week about my everyday life here in Singapore.
I've decided to start with a picture I took last Saturday of a sale in Takashimaya.

Microsoft Ad With Seinfeld Is Stupid

2008-09-06T23:09:00.001+08:00

Seinfeld-Windows TV commercial premieres to a baffled audience

Back In Singapore

2008-08-27T06:23:00.001+08:00

So, I'm back in sunny Singapore (actually, I think I brought London's miserable weather with me here).

I did not like London.

But here are the pictures anyway. London set is here.

Some of the pictures turned out to be really horrible. So I'm going to buy me a new PnS this weekend.
No. I am still not going to buy a DSLR.

Going to London

2008-08-09T12:36:00.000+08:00

I shall be in London for the next 2 weeks. For business and not for pleasure.

Birthday Wish List

2008-06-22T01:10:00.003+08:00

I've added a birthday wish list at the side if you have spare money. Feel free to pool with other people who actually like me enough (good luck on finding any). If you don't, greetings will do. Note that I will respond with an inordinate amount of mumbling, grumbling and, if you are lucky, violence.

Update: I have a new slimmy wallet! Thanks Donna!

Consultations

2008-06-01T21:37:00.005+08:00

I traveled all the way to Boon Lay today to meet a doctorate of philosophy at NTU. She asked a few questions about the planned future web presence of a quasi-political body and/or community that is tentatively named: United OFW. There's something about sitting with someone with intellectual achievements. It makes you feel smart too (eventhough I have no problems feeling smart on my own).

I'll probably use up these favors by getting Veronica a spot at NTU. Or maybe Iya if Veronica doesn't want it. Or both! Who knows?

Happy Birthday

2008-06-01T20:57:00.003+08:00

Last night, we had a belated celebration of Gr3ys0n's birthday at J@sp3r's condo unit. They actually had badminton before that but I didn't attend that. Come on. Do you really think I'd be playing anything that involves sweating? I'd probably take a swing or two with a wii but other than that, I'll pass, thank you. So I brought a dozen cold beer cans from 7-11 (because I'm lazy and it's assured that It's cold) and headed over there around 8pm. I also carried my laptop with me because there was a promise of a round of Starcraft.

They had Filipino food. Lot's of it. Sumptuous meals all around. I didn't take pictures of it though. You'd probably scoff at me. I do happen to miss Filipino food even if I don't particularly miss the Philippines in particular. Life revolves around food whether I like it or not (and I do).

We played with a magic sing unit until we had problems with the power supply. Of course, having quite a few nerds and QA people in the room, we did try to debug the thing until we got tired of trying to fix it. Good luck to J@sp3r in trying to explain to the owner what really happened to it. I.e: it got assaulted by almost continuous singing by yours truly.

We never got to play Starcraft afterwards because we shared a lot of stories around. With work, annoying behaviors of team mates, cultural differences and life in general. It was nice. Although I I did have a relatively hard time trying to compose my behavior and play nice. Sometimes it's nice to enjoy a good time with people who don't know who you really are. No assumptions. No nonsense. You can pretend that you really are a nice person and they'll believe it too. At least for now.

And I saw this snail on the way home:

Blood Lines

2008-05-28T21:15:00.003+08:00

I've made a blood donation today. There are several things different about donating blood here in Singapore and donating blood in the Philippines.

They ask more pre-donation questions (relevant).
Local anesthesia is required in Singapore. I temporarily withdrew my arm when I saw the nurse holding a syringe of clear fluid. I thought she was trying to kill me (you never know). In the Philippines, there is no anesthetic. You want to donate blood but don't like pain? Suck it up.
They take away 450ml as opposed to 250ml in the Philippines (well, last time I remember).
They use bigger needles (could be because of the larger amount).
It lasts only a few minutes (could be because of the larger needles and tubes).
They give more free stuff after they take more blood (makes sense, don't it?).

I have utmost respect to people who admit to having a fear of needles or a fear of seeing blood. They say it outright without fear of reprisal. Kudos to you and your courage to admit your fear. I have my own share of irrational fear. Some people can't donate blood because of medication. I can understand that. The others? well, they cannot admit to either. They could have just said that they don't want to donate blood, I would have accepted that as well. What's confusing is that they always seem to claim that they wanted to donate blood but just couldn't because of some reason or other that doesn't make sense. What are these people afraid of? Being castigated for not wanting to give blood? It's your blood. You are free to choose what to do with it.

Anyway, I don't really know why I am compelled to give blood. Sometimes I think it's because I like the pain but I really don't like pain. It's not really painful anyway. Sometimes, I think that it's because I like seeing my own blood? Could be. Not really sure. Blood is the same everywhere. I see them all the time on TV and on movies. Maybe it's just because I want to help people who need blood? Really, now. Anyone who knows me will know that I am really apathetic. Maybe I'm just a sucker to the red cross? So what is it? Maybe I just can't admit to any of my theories? Whatever the reason, I hope that it might be useful to someone who needs it. Hopefully, my evil is not contagious, however interesting that will be.

Opening A Jar Of Memories

2008-05-25T18:58:00.006+08:00

I arrived in church late today. I hate that. Not particularly because I like mass that much but because I get to stand up if I am late. I'm lazy.

I met a girl. She looked terribly familiar. Pretty and cute. Quite a stunner but somehow, I didn't feel attracted to her. I felt more inclined to protect her but I don't know why. Somewhere in my head, a memory is stirring and I couldn't quite manage to put my finger on it to keep it still. As I approached, she looked at me quizzically like she was plucking me from her memory as well. I stared right into her eyes trying to figure out why I have a feeling that I have a previous memory of her.

"You look terribly familiar to me", I said. She laughed. "I'm Dude's sister", she says with a smile. And then it hit me. Dude's sister. It's been a while since I heard that name. I feel that it's alright to say his true name here. After all, you can't search for his name on any search engine and get his real identity.

On to a very long flashback.

Dude is friend I've gained in high school. Him, along with Patman, have shown me true friendship. They released my inner geek. I have them to thank for that. They taught me programming, calculus, physics and the finer points of the Einstein-Rosen-Podolsky bridge.

We first met in high school. High school was a pretty terrible time for me. I was not particularly sociable and had no real talents. That's when I got to meet Dude. He hung around with Patman around in the guidance councilor's office. No student actually hung out there and it's not exactly a place where one would like to chill. But we hung out there anyway. We played chess. We discussed politics, sociology, science... things most high school students wouldn't like to discuss except when deliberately wanted to bore the other person. We were different. Outcasts. But hey, I liked my circle of friends and I know that when I talk, these people listened and they get the same treatment from me. I did say that we were different in high school but that didn't stop me from being more different than them. These two eclipsed me in everything academic.

Soon, they were being noticed by the faculty and I was being ignored. I was the faulty third wheel. What teachers didn't know was that these two depended on me for a different thing (at least I thought they were). I was street-wise. I knew my way around. I can at least survive a fight. Dude wasn't particularly endowed with height. Patman was particularly lacking in weight. He doesn't appear to have much at all last time I remembered. So inside school, I was their shadow. Outside, they were mine. Summers were spent at either Dude's or Patman's house. We played usually played starcraft or express pride in our little software projects. We discussed future plans and hopes. Dude wanted to become a pilot (He sadly later found out about height requirements). He also wanted to be a dictator. Patman didn't really know what he wanted then. I just wanted to be rich. We discussed how we would attempt to prove or disprove life-after death if ever one of us happened to go first. Yes, we were weird. We weren't exactly people who liked to go out to the beach or parties. (I've since grown up to enjoy the beach but I don't like physical activities).

In college, Dude and I ended up in the same department and the same class. Patman went to chem but later shifted to computer engineering as well. Whereas in high school we have seemed to forgo females altogether, we weren't oblivious to them at this point. Dude has his eye on someone and while that someone was particularly cute, I felt compelled to stay away. Besides I had my eye on someone else. In the end, it wasn't meant to be. The girl that caught Dude's eye now happens to married to someone else. It might be helpful to say that during my work at NEC, I worked with that girl's little brother. Talk about a small world. The girl I spent a lot of time with has been lost to me as well. A quick google search indicates that she's probably married as well. Anyway, we started drifting away during those times. I was preoccupied with wooing this female and he was preoccupied with a lot of things besides a girl. I became a major screw-up during those times and I still regret a few things these days. I was shunned by friends and Dude thought it wise to be not seen with me. It was logical of course.

Though we managed to stay together in high school and in college (however flimsy that connection was), we finally parted ways when Dude and I found work on different places and Patman decided to continue his studies. The last thing I heard, Dude was making his mark all over the world and I didn't know where Patman was.

Years later, just before I got here, I learned that Patman is here in Singapore as well. Talk about small world again. We still haven't met though. I don't know why...

End flashback.

And now this... A sledgehammer through my little jar of memories.

I was looking at her now. I remember those summers with this cute little girl running around the house in, *eherm* very comfortable clothes. She's still cute, still little and she my only link to past that I barely remember. I have her number. Will I meet Dude again? Or Patman? Do I want to?

Hell yeah.

Outlook Not Desirable

2008-05-22T21:33:00.008+08:00

I hate mailing lists. I hate MS Outlook.

Our Outlook address book is automatically filled up with all the personal email addresses and all the mailing lists of the entire company's global network. That's right. That's literally thousands of email addresses in your address book. It would be nice if you could search for things. You can... but that only works if you know what you are looking for. Cryptic code names are the norm in this company. Mailing lists typically look like "# NG XD DS MO" or some other insanity. So I asked for the mailing list from my team mate. I was thinking "this is the easiest way to know where to send this email to escalate my problem". I couldn't be more wrong. This person who shall remain nameless gave me an odd name. Odd, considering that they were odd to begin with. It had "Users" at the end of the mailing list name. I should have paid attention to it but throwing caution to the wind, I didn't. I still had a lot of things to do anyway. So I sent my escalation email and lo and behold, the emails started trickling in... then the phone starts ringing... then came several instant messages from people I don't know... then a few yells that seemed to indicate i did something horribly wrong. Then it hit me.

I recalled that email... but only after around 300 people had already read it. Good thing considering that there were 700 people in that list. The emails ranged from helpful advice to bouts of anger. Someone was actually stupid enough to reply to that same list saying that I did something wrong. You can imagine the reply of the next person. It went like this: "Stop sending emails to the group !!!" <-- Yes. Those three exclamation points were really in there. The instant messages and the "helpful emails" all said the same damn thing. I tried to calm down and wrote the only thing that came to mind to stop the insanity of replying to all of these things.

< copy pasted message >
Yes. I realize I made a mistake. Thank you for taking the time to correct me.
If only people would stop telling me the same things over and over again.
Realizing a mistake and having 700 users tell you about it is both embarrassing and humiliating.
< /copy pasted message >

...well, something to that effect. I can't remember exactly. I hurriedly copied and pasted this thing to every reply email and instant message I've recieved. If I could only copy-paste to phone calls, it would be better. But alas, I cannot. After the fiasco and the ensuing laughter (which I didn't find funny) has died down, I proceeded to count the emails I've received from important people. I had a total of 4 assistant vice presidents and 1 vice president tell me about my blunder. Talk about feeling very office space. I don't know how many important people called me though. I didn't take down names.

You can all go ahead and assume that the person who gave me that mailing list address got a huge piece of my mind.

Organizing Dates

2008-05-20T21:31:00.006+08:00

This will not be about romantic dates. This more geeky than that. This is about calendar dates. Let's start with the basics. How many date formats are there? The answer: A lot

Google spreadsheet alone has this list:
That's around 20 ways to show dates. So where does this rant start? I'll tell you right now.

Lets start with the way Singapore people like to see dates. 20 May 2008. Philippine citizens like to see theirs as May 20, 2008. It's all well and good until you start talking expiration dates. "12 05 2008". So what's this supposed to mean? December 5? Or was my milk expired? It's worse when the product was imported. How are you supposed to know what date format does it follows? Specially the pre-y2k formats like "05 12 08". But that's still not half way through my rant. This all started with the insane formatting of dates at the office.

I'll let this out of my chest first. There are processes in my company that are pretty much antiquated. It was my turn to collate the daily reports of everyone and I had to put it in one folder... Well that's when the insanity started. Check out the directory layout:

K:\SomeFolder\2008\E May\20 May 2008

Ok. So it's a windows machine. Sue me. I happen to work on unix so the force all balances out but that's not the point. Can you see the insanity in that folder layout? How many times do you have to say "May"?! It's MAY! WE GET IT! We also get that it's 2008!

Lets break this down into bite-sized chunks of insanity.

2008
Pretty simple. It's the year and it's understandable that you want to separate years into separate directories.

E May
WTF? Where does the "E" come into play? Well, whoever thought it up must think he was a genius. Well... he's insane. He wanted to arrange the stuff in the directory so that January comes first and May last. So he simply added a letter in front of the Month.

A January
B February
C March
D April
E May.... genius... NOT

and Finally: 20 May 2008

Great. He just had to incorporate Singapore's date format in there somehow.

So how to we fix this? Simple. Forget regional date formats for storing dates in a directory. Forget human readable formats as well. There is only one true logical way to arrange dates in a hierarchical format: YYYY.MM.DD. Substitute punctuation with anything and you have it made. You can even make the year as a separate directory (2008/05.20) and still have that intelligible and most importantly SORTED format that people wanted all along.

Is that too insane to implement? Are you too tied up with your regional format? Release your fear. Use numeric formats.

Obituary

2008-05-19T22:15:00.002+08:00

I hereby officially announce the death of EatsMyChoice.blogspot.com. A failed attempt at trying to make money off a blog by using Adsense. My writers have chosen to pursue their own blogs and websites. So while I'm disappointed at it's death, I haven't entirely given up on the idea of additional income. I'll think of something else... somehow.

Moved

2008-05-19T18:54:00.004+08:00

Trying out new stuff. Moved to wordpress.

[update] Ok. I haven't really moved. Not yet. Just wanted to see what the cool kids are using. Seems like I'm not missing much. I'll try and get a feel for a week and let's see if I continue to blog here (however inconsistent that may be) or I permanently move there.

Because I Had To

2008-04-03T00:57:00.001+08:00

New muppets video bloopers released!

First Post in Singapore

2008-03-03T21:28:00.004+08:00

Ok. So I'm in Singapore. Been here for a while now really, but never got around to posting anything. I'm now working for a very very large bank in Singapore. I'm still under a contractor but I hope that will change soon. I still have my eyes on google though.

My new company has largely been good to all of the employees. But there are some things that aren't quite good about it. But that is something to be talked about some other time. I just wanted everyone to know that I am still very much alive (unfortunately).

My dear veronica has left for home a week back. She came here for a 5 day visit. It wasn't enough really but we had a great time. I missed her dearly and I miss her more now.

I am going to continue posting regularly from now on. To keep my mind nimble and all. Also, I need to be studying something that I should have learned a long time ago and I will post updates on that too.

Eats My Choice will soon have a Singapore edition. I hope It will do as well as the pinoy one. :)

Amika The Proctor Wonder

2007-12-02T22:12:00.002+08:00

The Japanese Language Proficiency Exam Level 3 was hard. Only because I didn't study. But the real point of this entry was not the test itself. I care none for the test nor the result.

She is Amika Takahashi the proctor wonder. She speaks Filipino, English and Nihongo. If she speaks Spanish, I would throw myself to her feet and declare fealty.

She's the one seated. This is the NSP JLPT level 3 Family.

Thanks to une6 for being my stalker researcher man of the hour.
Her publicly viewable profiles here: Friendster, Translators Cafe, Flicker.

PS I really need to have that lens cleaned up.

Nesting Grounds

2007-11-26T10:02:00.001+08:00

There was supposed to be a typhoon today so last Saturday, we decided to clear out the branches of the mango tree last lest they start demolishing the roof tiles again like last year. We started chopping off limb after limb from that huge tree. The tree wasn't really harmed (except for the branches) but there were two more possible casualties from the trimming activity.

I didn't know it was there. Really. I transferred it back to the tree and fastened it with some rope. I didn't touch the eggs since the mother might smell human scent and not touch it again. I hope the mother bird finds it.

Holy Moon With A Halo, Batman!

2007-11-26T09:18:00.001+08:00

So I'm back in the Philippines and I was bumming around in the living room when I heard the neighbors freak out. Apparently, the moon is exhibiting weirdness and that it's the end of the world. I check it out and lo and behold, the moon has a halo. It took a while to assure the neighbors that otherworldly creatures of the night weren't going to invade and eat us all. While I read about this before, I thought these were called moon dogs. Sure enough, moon dogs and halo were on the same Wikipedia page. Technically speaking though, moon dogs were other shining things located on the halo. On this particular case though, there were none. So this is just technically called a halo. I generally reserve halo's for heavenly deities though.

Mass Alien Abduction

2007-11-10T17:18:00.002+08:00

I managed to eat again at Pepper Lunch at the old 0I0I building. Not much has changed. We went for a walk to the old training center. Good memories. I also got lost. But hey, it's been a long time. Cut me some slack.

I have lots of memories here at the Kenshuu Center. Not all good memories. But memories nonetheless. I climbed mount Fuji during that time and met a lot of great people. I've lost contact with most of them but there's a few who still say hi every now and then. I might even meet them again in Singapore.

The next day, we got at the office around 8:30am and people were still coming in. People at NEC generally come in late and stay in until very late. We half expected to wait in outside at the gate in the cold because that is what usually happens when we first arrive. We find out that our papers were still not processed and our identities weren't known before hand. It was a pleasant surprise to know that our identities were known and that we could get in faster. So we proceeded to make our way to the laboratory where we usually work when we get business trips to Japan. Unfortunately, not all is well. As usual, we were the first to arrive at the laboratory and it's locked. So as per custom, Fred went to the 3rd floor to get the key. He took longer than usual. Far too long. When he came back, the first thing he said was:

Fred: nawawala yung 3rd floor. (The 3rd floor is missing)
Me: pwede ba yun?! (Is that even possible?!).

Without a word, I went upstairs. True enough, it was like a scene from the twilight zone:

Eerily quiet. Before I started thinking mass alien abduction, I tried roaming throughout the facility. It was a large place and I suspected that Fred did the same because he took so long. I eventually saw that a few of the corridors had cubes and people in them. So not all were abducted for mass alien experimentation on Japanese brains. I recognized none of these people of course, so I still couldn't find that damned key to our laboratory.

We went back outside to the gates. Borrowed a phone and asked for a team mate that we haven't met before. We eventually found him. He showed us the new place and where to get the keys. There were only 2 members of the team (both of them new) and none of the old ones remained. Great. Just peachy. It was a nice reminder on why I decided to leave this company. :p

Last Dance With Japan

2007-11-09T06:45:00.002+08:00

So I'm here again thanks to the unpredictability and illogical nature of the Japanese Management. I can't really say it's a bad thing, but it has definitely hurt people before and once more now. It's sad when these things happen but you can't blame me for trying to make the most of my last stay in Japan. Unlike other people, I get to know when it's my last business trip to Japan care of the good ship NEC.

I miss my Veronica but hey, I'm gonna make this trip worthy of a last one. Time to relive old memories.

Tanduay

2007-11-06T17:35:00.002+08:00

5 Years. This is how long I've been working at NSP. Some friends have been forced by Veronica to give me a little 5 year achievement celebration. It's a little unexpected but thanks anyway. It's all been nice of you to attend that. :D

I received, oddly enough, some roses, 5 candles (ala 18 yr. debut), and a few gifts:

Winry Rockbell figure from Full Metal Alchemist.
Some girl from Ikki Tousen
Modeling Clay
Starbucks gift certificate
Anansi Boys by Niel Gaiman
And this one from the Japanese: Another business trip to Japan (Hooray for last chance!)

Oddly again, when people don't know what to give me, I usually receive clay. Can anyone tell me why this is? Nowadays I usually get a Starbucks gift certificate. Thanks to all those who gave gifts and messages however forced they might be. I really appreciate it. :D

Time To Let Go

2007-11-04T18:15:00.000+08:00

This is it. It's almost time for my curtain call. It's been 5 days since I handed in my resignation letter and another 25 days before I go. It's not as hard as people say or imagine it to be but it's definitely not easy. It would have been easier to transition if I just moved to another local company. But that's not really my thing. I've set my goal years ago and I admit that I've lost track of it for some time now. But I've set it on my sights again and now I've got it firmly in my grasp. I just wish it was easy for me to change.

There are a lot of people and projects that I would be leaving and It's not really easy for me to leave any of them.

Veronica
My little angel of hope. I hope she studies well and does her best to transfer to Singapore with me. I know that she is very well capable to do so and I will not lack in helping her find a career there with me. It's not really good bye if we both work hard to get there. I will just be going ahead. Without her, my life would have lost direction and it is because of her that I have grown back a spine and finally stand up to kick the world's ass.

Yna
She is my constant reminder of what it's like to be overdosed on caffeine. She has been with me through the best and the worst. I wish her all the best in the world even if it wasn't what I expected. I expect that someday, I will fight against her for my rightful place to rule the world.

Techinfo
This is my little mailing list at the office. My attempt to rule over a bunch of nerds under the pretense of growing a community. I fear that it's dying now. People come and go so fast that there isn't a sense of community now. I've been laying the ground work for it's continued existence but I fear for the worse and I feel saddened about things that are about to end. I can't help but feel that the person I picked to administer it is not as dedicated as I thought he was. But here's to unfounded optimism.

Eats My Choice
This project was born out of a crazy idea to raise money to eat more food. My dear veronica has nurtured it (more like bashed my head) until I started writing articles. It's growing faster than I expected but I fear that I'm leaving at a time when I should be paying more attention to it. Specially during a time when there are now interested local advertisers. I wish to make a Singapore edition but that will depend on my work load there.

VRBlade
The only company project that I really gave my all to. I will miss its people. Most of them has left already and It's high time that I leave as well.

As per custom, I will be chronicling my last days here in the Philippines and my last days in NSP as well. So watch out for more blogs. This is it. It's time to let go.

New Beginnings

2007-08-15T11:15:00.000+08:00

today i celebrate my 1 year anniversary with veronica. i really don't know how to start this celebration. but with this new beginning, i announce the arrival of my new blog eats my choice. it showcases the food i eat every week. or twice a week if time permits. i will add new feature as the blog progresses. enjoy

Next Step

2007-08-07T09:11:00.000+08:00

today is the first day without betty in the office. she has resigned. i don't know whether i should feel happy or sad. maybe feeling both is ok. it's enough to drive one insane if one thinks about it too much. this was supposed to be the day i could finally stop being reminded of her smell and her touch. but then again, memories come from the oddest places. an acquaintance told me that betty intended to return something she borrowed from me personally. but didn't because she thought i had left. the fates mock me to no end. this officemate shouldn't have told me and just left me in peace...

this officemate called me selfish. because i put my feelings before veronica's. well, i am indeed selfish. everyone is. it's all a question of motive. i seek to be happy and i am happy with veronica. maybe not as happy as i was with betty but i'm getting there... in due time...

i am guilty of putting emotions first before thinking. that has always been a fault of mine. consider it factory defect. i can only hope people understand that and help me deal with it rather than tell me about it and say there's nothing that can be done.

and now, onwards to my own resignation.

Spider-Pig

2007-07-27T16:30:00.001+08:00

spider pig spotted in the wild!

Beginnings

2007-06-18T13:12:00.001+08:00

as of today, i am the last member of my batch remaining in this company. i do not yet know what this means for me or how things will turn out from now on. all i know is that, somehow, a part of my history is gone and i feel alone and left out once again. then again, this is yet just another beginning which has been brought about by an end.

a toast to the good times.

Impulsive Learner

2007-06-10T19:00:00.001+08:00

sometimes i hate myself because of my drive to learn. a few days ago, i was doing my infrequent maintenance to the project's wiki. when suddenly, i noticed that i didn't like what i was seeing. so i changed a few things. i started with the project logo. we never did have a project logo. so i created one. i must say that i was proud of it and it looked good in my opinion. i would still like to change a few things about it but then i realized that it wasn't the logo that i wanted to change. it was the layout... the layout was just plain weird in my opinion. i was hoping that i could get it to look more like wikipedia for the familiarity. so i proceeded to change moinmoin theme's until i couldn't change it anymore. no dice. nothing i liked. those i liked, didn't work with the version i'm running. that's the last straw. i'm going to learn python and css before i shoot myself in the brain for not being able to make a layout submit to my will.

bow down to me all you webpages!*

those written in python and css.

Oh Woe Is Me

2007-05-21T11:19:00.001+08:00

I had a craptacular start of a day today.

Last night, i successfully reinstalled my pc to a fresh copy of xp and ubuntu. i rarely use xp, but its there for those special occasions when i break my ubuntu box (which is often). I got the installation ok so i went to bed. things got weird in the morning.

05:30am router woes
people who know me know that i have had the worst luck with pldt mydsl. it sucks and i usually dont have any signal from the damned provider. well this morning was different since i had the ever elusive signal. i usually sit down in front of my PC at home before i go to work to get the latest weather and the day's headline, so i booted the machine and headed right for the browser. no connection. that was weird. so i went did the power cycle thing with modem. that usually solves the problem. still no connection. the weird thing was it was getting a signal from the provider. well.. the problem has to be between the modem and my pc. long story cut short, my new wrt54gl router was to blame. /sbin/ifup was reporting "no such process". damnit. i'm going to return to you later when i get home.

06:30am auto woes
i figured i should just get to work and figure that router when i get home. so i dressed up and got in the vehicle i use to get to work. just my luck (or lack of it) the damned thing doesn't start. great. i got my neighbor to try to start the thing while i push the huge ass vehicle. no luck. it wont start. we decided to ask another neighbor to help out by using her vehicle to series connect the batteries with a jumper. she agreed. this was nice of her since i barely know her.

she got out of the vehicle. popped open the hood and just as i was about to connect the cables, a guy comes running down the street asking both of us who have vehicles if he could borrow one since another neighbor was having a heart attack. god damn it! why does he have to have a heart attack now?! fine! good lady jumps into the car to the aid of the man who was receiving unwanted glares of annoyance from me. i was left with an open hood, jumper cables to be connected to nowhere.

i went off to borrow another vehicle. good thing about this time (7:00am) people were just driving out of their garages. so i got another vehicle to borrow and proceeded to connect the jumpers. i got the machine started and headed right off to my next disaster of the day.

07:15am battery woes
i went to the motor battery shop just outside of town where they proceeded to diagnose the thing. turns out, the battery is discharging properly, but not charging properly. they didn't convince me that i have to buy another battery but i bought one anyway. bye bye to P3,400. this day keeps getting worse.

08:00 makati woes
i drove off to work after getting the new batteries. just as i was exiting tramo, there was an unexpected buildup of traffic. don't get me wrong, there's usually traffic at this time. but not at this level. something was up. so i started the radio to check for some announcements. i found out later that ayala was closed because of either makati day or binay's celebration of winning the elections. great. just after finding out that he won, he immediately starts pestering people who voted for him. way to win the next election.

09:00am work woes
i got to work safely. no accidents on the road even though at the rate of my misfortunes, i was expecting it. i decided to skip nihongo since i wasn't prepared anyway and i had a hell of a morning. so i started working on the users administration on one of the machines. it took about 30 minutes. after being done with that, i started working on the openembedded framework which needed the dsl line. well... dsl line is down. great. its now 02:00pm and i still have no connection and i'm doing nothing but recording my personal series of unfortunate events.

...and i still have to fix that damned router when i get home. craptacular day.

I'm complicated

2007-04-27T13:15:00.001+08:00

You are The Chariot

Triumph, Victory, Overcoming Obstacles.

The chariot is one of the most complex cards to define. On its most basic level, it implies war, a struggle, and an eventual, hard-won victory. Either over enemies, obstacles, nature, the beasts inside you, or to just get what you want. But there is a great deal more to it. The charioteer wears emblems of the sun, yet the sign behind this card is the moon. The chariot is all about motion, and yet it is often shown as stationary. It is a union of opposites, like the black and white steeds. They pull in different directions, but must be (and can be!) made to go together in one direction. Control is required over opposing emotions, wants, needs, people, circumstances; bring them together and give them a single direction, your direction. Confidence is also needed and, most especially, motivation. The card can, in fact, indicate new motivation or inspiration, which gets a stagnant situation moving again.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Gyachi 2 and rTorrent 2

2007-04-15T22:47:00.001+08:00

@ gyachi
webcam is still not working. there are two things that are to be considered.

/dev/video0 does not show up automagically
pwc module is not loaded automagically

i poked around and learned that pwc, which supposedly handles my webcam, no longer handles my webcam but instead is handled by uvc. must poke into this. i tried to modprobe pwc and i did manage to get this:

Apr 15 22:26:47 localhost kernel: [17218636.152000] Linux video capture interface: v1.00
Apr 15 22:26:47 localhost kernel: [17218636.388000] pwc Philips webcam module version 9.0.2-unofficial loaded.
Apr 15 22:26:47 localhost kernel: [17218636.388000] pwc Supports Philips PCA645/646, PCVC675/680/690, PCVC720[40]/730/740/750 & PCVC830/840.
Apr 15 22:26:47 localhost kernel: [17218636.388000] pwc Also supports the Askey VC010, various Logitech Quickcams, Samsung MPC-C10 and MPC-C30,
Apr 15 22:26:47 localhost kernel: [17218636.388000] pwc the Creative WebCam 5 & Pro Ex, SOTEC Afina Eye and Visionite VCS-UC300 and VCS-UM100.
Apr 15 22:26:47 localhost kernel: [17218636.388000] usbcore: registered new driver Philips webcam

/dev/video is still missing so i added it.

crw-rw---- 1 root video 81, 0 Apr 15 22:32 /dev/video0

still no luck. maybe tomorrow..

@ rtorrent
apparently, a lot of people had other ideas about what torrent client to try, but really, i already have rtorrent working just the way i want to so maybe i'll put that project on hold till i finish working on the webcam and voice calls on linux. till then i will list the clients i need to test here:

what is interesting to note is that i was told that btg runs off libtorrent as well (same as rtorrent). but upon further reading, it seems that there are two separate libtorrent projects with the same name

rakshasa's libtorrent is the lib which rtorrent runs on.

Waka poem

2007-04-14T23:34:00.001+08:00

i found this on the net tonight. might as well share it. :)

<> ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * <> ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , system halted

which is read as:

waka waka bang splat tick tick hash
caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash
bang splat equal at dollar under-score
percent splat waka waka tilda number four
ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash
vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma crash

Gyachi

2007-04-14T22:51:00.001+08:00

its been almost 4 years since i started using linux. during all those years, i generally just gave up trying to make a webcam work on linux. well i just had to endure that torture again. well, 2 days ago, i started looking for a new solution to my yahoo webcam dilemma. i came across gyachi. it was supposed to be just the thing to solve my crippled yahoo experience with gaim. well, i just installed it and it was... interesting. first, the defaults were a bit weird

text is huge.
message conversation text showed up in a gradient of psychedelic hues of blue.
the thing looks like an IDE rather than a messenger
icons are all over the place
webcam isn't working out of the box
voice ain't working out of the box either.
photosharing is not implemented either, although it shows a funny error message that says:
The Yahoo user *** wants to share photos.
Do you want to accept?
SORRY, THIS FEATURE IS NOT YET IMPLEMENTED IN GYACHI
which is followed by "yes" and "no" buttons.

after wrestling with the font option size preferences (which is no where near sane), i got it to look a bit decent

well... since webcam is my first problem, i'm going to try to fix that first. first thing to do is figure out why i don't have a /dev/video0. which is what gyachi is supposed to be looking for. but its really late and i have a date tomorrow. so this will just have to wait till next week.

reminder: poke at video4linux solutions for el cheapo grande webcams from cdr king.

rTorrent Reloaded

2007-04-12T11:09:00.001+08:00

I dived into rTorrent configuration last night and quite frankly, I'm impressed. I'm not even running the latest version. While I wasn't able to save session info. I'm not sure why it isn't working, I was, however, able to implement the watch feature. This enabled me to simply drop torrents in the specifiec folder and have rTorrent automatically do its thing without me doing anything else. whee!

To do, simply add the following to your ~/.rtorrent.rc file:

# Watch a directory for new torrents, restart torrents that have been
# copied back and stop those that have been deleted.

schedule = watch_directory,10,10,load_start=~/Download/watch/*.torrent
schedule = tied_directory,10,10,start_tied=
schedule = untied_directory,10,10,close_untied=

And add and modify this file to init.d. After which, you need to run:

# update-rc.d rtorrent defaults

To automatically run rtorrent behind screen during startup. Tada!

Of Torrents and Memory

2007-04-09T17:21:00.001+08:00

Over the course of the past 5 days, I've noticed my machine's memory being eaten away by some unknown process. A huge chunk of it was firefox after a few hours (i guess it's leaking) but the rest of it is still unknown. being the lazy ass that I was, I just decided to use xfce while coding the tester and playing around with beryl. Of course, this just delayed the problem until I faced the dreaded 100% system load and swap space being eaten up. This was just wrong. So I decided to face the problem instead and lo and behold, it was bittornado. Now, while I'm not entirely sure if it's the client or python, I'm quite sure it was the culprit. So I promptly searched for another client. Unfortunately for me, there weren't a lot of torrent clients in gnome that were not based on python or java. While I know that java has had a lot of memory efficiency improvements, it's still a bit too big for me when all i have is 256MB and I'm using most of it for developing in mono which is also a memory hog.

searches for a torrent client in gnomefiles reveal the following:

Anatomic P2P (GUI Client) - Anatomic P2P is a BitTorrent Client written in GTK with an extension enabling decentralisation
Azureus - Azureus is an advanced BitTorrent client.
BitTorrent - BitTorrent is a tool for copying files from one machine to another.
BTG - BTG is a bittorrent daemon.
Deluge - a BitTorrent client written in Python/PyGTK
Democracy Player - Democracy Player is a cross-platform Bittorrent-enabled RSS aggregator with built-in video playback that seeks to make watching Internet video from a wide range of sources as easy as watching TV.
Gnome BitTorrent Downloader - A simple "mime-sink" BitTorrent client designed to integrate with the GNOME desktop. Currently just a GUI on top of the official BitTorrent Python backend.
GTorrentViewer - It is a GTK2-based viewer and editor for BitTorrent meta files.
MLdonkeyGtkUi - MLdonkey is a multi-platform, multi-network peer-to-peer client.
PenguinTV - PenguinTV is an RSS reader that supports enclosed media files for podcasts and video blogs.
TorrentParse GTK - TorrentParse GTK Parses BitTorrent Torrent files and extracts useful information from them.
Transmission - A free, lightweight BitTorrent client.

Besides azureus which runs on java, Transmission is the only one that is not python based. Unfortunately aside from being strapped for memory, I'm also a bit strapped for HD space (Yes, I'm poor). As Transmission was only distributed as source, and I don't want to download development libraries, I was forced to look for an alternative. And here it is: rtorrent. And when it says lightweight, it really is lightweight. Damn thing is only commandline. No wonder I can't find it in gnomefiles.org.

Granted, it's not easy to learn. One has to remember a few shortcuts (ok, a lot). Besides learning rtorrent's shortcuts, I also had to learn screen. Screen is really nifty though. It's one of those apps that is so useful, that you'd just want to use it for everything.

In conclusion, rtorrent is a godsend. Extremely low memory footprint and extremely configurable (once you figure out the shortcuts). As and added bonus, I can cap my upload speed! wheee! With screen, it doesnt even take up desktop real estate, there is basically, no gui whatsoever! Unfortunately, for the windows users, you will have to stick with utorrent (less memory footprint too).

Holy Week Update Batman!

2007-04-08T19:34:00.001+08:00

Spent the last few four days at home and I've been fairly productive.

On the Linux front, I've managed to get aiglx and beryl working. It's all wowness. I've also started coding my personal kanji level 4 tester and it's really not going well. It's done using mono but pango does not seem to cooperate. well at first I thought it was pango, but it seems like the language settings is at fault.

remember, to display japanese text at size 30 by using pango markup, do this:

Label kanji_lbl = new Label ();
kanji_lbl.UseMarkup = true;
kanji_lbl.LabelProp = "<span lang="\"ja\" font_desc="\"30\">日本語</span>"

It's a pain trying to figure that out without knowing anything about rendering in pango.

here is the current progress:

On the home front, I've managed to clean my room. 3 garbage bags full of rotten memories to throw away. Good riddance. I'm really starting to hate staying at home. Can't really code well here nowadays.

My nonexistent DS

2007-03-23T13:32:00.000+08:00

Perhap's I'm just a bit sensitive. Perhaps I'm just thinking too much.
Perhap's I'm just jealous.

I used to play games with my officemates during lunch. This was a
ritual. People even went on to call it our religion. "Sumamba ka na
ba?", that was the question.

Since the ISMs policies have been underway, people have done a lot of
things to cope with not gaming during lunch. My girlfriend and I have
resorted to watching anime. She tolerates anime. She's not very much
interested in them also. The others however, have resorted to gaming
with the nintendo(tm) DS. This isn't what riles me though. What annoys
me the most and what hurts me the most, is that they are gaming with a
recent memory of my pain. They are gaming with Betty. NOT ME.

This is partly my fault. I didn't purchase a DS. The most glaring reason
was the fact that I would only be able to use this during lunch breaks.
I have things to do, shows to watch, books to read and I don't commute.
Besides, my girlfriend doesn't do gaming. She doesn't grasp the concept.
Betty gets it. Sometimes i don't even understand how I got around to
being with my current SO. We are too different.

And now, I don't know what to do. I force myself to do things just to
avoid her because I still miss her. I still remember how she used to
smell even as I remember how she chose the other guy over me.

I regret nothing. I did all i could. And I lost her. Then I had
Veronica. She is always there for me. Shows me devotion like no other. I
just wish that she was more like her...

But then again, maybe not.

Cold in more ways than one

2006-12-17T23:22:00.001+08:00

Im currently in Tokyo right now. I've been here since Tuesday and I plan to go home this coming Tuesday. It's a bit cold here right now.

I'm feeling a bit odd since the Akihabara I have come to know and love has changed. There is a big ass mall in front of the station now. It's a good thing its at the opposite of the JR station where most of my landmarks are standing. The roads aren't closed on Sundays now. That's a huge difference to me. I used to come to Akihabara on Sundays to watch the performers and of course, to gawk at the half naked girls vying for the attention of the usual Akiba ota. They are gone now. I miss the maid costumes and the street performers.

I feel cold.

Normal

2006-11-12T11:30:00.000+08:00

Things have been weird for the past two weeks. My girl is home now and things have been gradually returning to a sense of normalcy. What is normal anyway? I can opt to eat dog food for the next three years and when someone notices on the fourth year, i can say: this is normal.

I really don't get people when they tell you their secrets and their anxieties. What do they really want from you? Do they just want you to listen? Do they want advice? Because when you just listen, they look at you with those eyes that say: "well, aren't you going to say something to make me feel better?". But if you go right on ahead and give advice or words of non-wisdom, they say: "who died and made you expert on all things crappy about my life?". If they want something from me, better say it up front. If you want me to listen, I will listen. If you want me to give advice, I will give advice which although I am clearly not an expert, is still pretty much advice.

I am pretty much a very predictable individual when it comes to likes and dislikes. I like my chocolates dark and bitter, my wardrobe plain and comfortable, my OS non-windows (tm) and my girls Chinese. It's annoying when people come up to you and ask you: "you really like don't you. why don't you try instead?". This is annoying. Don't do this. The reason I don't like it is because I have tried and I didn't like it. In any case, I am free to dislike anything even if i have never tried it before. I dislike smoking, self mutilation and decapitation. I'm not going to try any of those any time soon.

Understanding Limits

2006-11-07T21:57:00.000+08:00

no. this is not about mathematics. this is about my understanding of my significant other and it's limits. i'm just about to reach my breaking point. last night, she was excited to go home from japan to be with me. this afternoon, she now wants to extend her stay in japan, so that she could have time to be "alone away from everything". well... fine then. she can have her stay in japan. i will wait. as i always have.

she's probably burned out from all the work she has done in her current project. as of today, she has worked for 23 days straight. even construction workers get sunday off.. so i'm cutting her some slack. i'll be the supportive boyfriend while she's being the girlfriend who needs support.

i'm suffering from intermittent headaches now. must be all the sleep i'm losing.

Updates

2006-11-05T22:21:00.000+08:00

its been a while since i last posted. a lot of things have changed. let's do a little recap:

veronica and i ended up being an item
betty and i still aren't talking to each other
veronica is now in japan and has now been working for 21 days straight and counting...
my two major purchases this year have been a 21 inch flat screen tv and a stainless steel fridge (ok i paid for 1/3 of the fridge. it's still money and i still lost it)
i'm going to take the japanese language proficiency test
i'm currently also studying linux kernel driver development (aside from writing this blog). its a boring book. but hey, unlike most of the knowledge in my head, i can actually make use of this stuff.
mouse chaser is at it again and wasting damned good opportunities. i sometimes wonder if the purpose of his existence is to mock my lack of opportunities by wasting his.
yna has found another problem to get stuck in. probably not enough sorrows to occupy her mournful life. people are desperate for sorrow sometimes.

well.. that's all i can remember right now. things have been pretty stable as of late. although i am beginning to miss veronica. she's a little high maintenance. and i've been bleeding through my savings since i began going out with her. but she's worth it. we also bought matching webcams and headsets so we could communicate regularly while she's in japan. it's a bit hard for me though. since i have to wait till she gets to the hotel which is around 11 - 12mn and i still have to get up early while she gets up around 9am... well... these eyebags will be a testament of my love and loyalty to veronica. i always seem to make time for her...

funny i mention time. it's funny how she always tells me she misses me while she's away yet she never seems to choose to make time for me if given the choice between her friends and me. but nevermind that. i love her.

and right now, that is all that matters.

i am the m9dhatter. and i am back on my feet.

Far Away

2006-05-15T19:40:00.000+08:00

i'm back in japan. either this is a good thing (being far away from her) or a bad thing (being a slave and also being far away from another "her"). sometimes, you fight so hard to go away to another place but then when you finally get a chance to go... you unexpectedly find a reason to stay.

life sucks and my timing is a mess... as usual.

ps. no jabber and meebo around this place. if you wish to contact me, try gmail.

A Sense of Normalcy

2006-04-15T10:56:00.000+08:00

it's been half a month since i last wrote anything here. it's been half a month since i last talked to her. the world goes on and i feel like i've been left behind. we did get to chat a few times over jabber. she tells me its awkward and that i am fake. lately, eventhough i am not doing anything (that i am aware of) she gets irritated at me (or so her friends tell me). i dont know what i'm doing wrong. all i want now is to at least be friends with her.

i just want to be able to laugh again. is that too much to ask for?

update:

there has been a change in seating arrangements at the office. she will be sitting in a cubicle adjacent to mine. this will be awkward... but an opportunity to talk to her nonetheless... although her friends tell me not to talk to her lest i get the taray treatment. i opt not to talk to her... i hope this is sound judgement. i had hoped that yna be a mediator in this whole fiasco. but she opted to stand in the sidelines and watch disaster unfold instead...

i just miss her. thats all. i just want to talk to her again. i dont even care who she goes out with anymore at this point..

Perhaps

2006-03-28T21:28:00.000+08:00

day 7. that was yesterday. exactly one week after the dreadful "talk to my hair because i can't look at you" incident, she tells that she wants to be single. to keep her freedom for a while. to find herself. the self that she lost since she became dependent and needy to the ex.

i am lost... and broken... again... i feel like such a loser. always had the wrong timing...

perhaps in another time... in another place... in another lifetime... on a different planet.. on a parallel universe... in an alternate reality... i could be with her and i could finally be happy and stay happy.

Day 6: Septic

2006-03-26T21:45:00.000+08:00

having a bad day. yna is still having mood swings and any mention of depression will drive her into depression as well. she is not much help to me at this point. veronica is still away and wont be back till later this evening. i wont be able to have a decent conversation tonight since she is sure to be tired. cyncha is back from abroad as well. probably on the same flight as veronica. but they dont know each other too well to notice each other.

i miss her.. so much. i miss her voice.. her laugh.. her witty snide comments.. her pout...

ah hell.. i miss her.

i wish she would start talking to me again.

Day 5: Difficult Times

2006-03-25T21:54:00.000+08:00

i just finished watching a show called xxx on abs-cbn (it's an investigative show. not a peep show). it featured a story about this guy who fell in love with the daughter of a certain wealthy chinese business man. the guy had quite a story to tell. the chinese father hated him so much that he got kidnapped and beaten and threatened with death just so he would leave the daughter alone. the father even threatened to kill the guy's family. he got pretty beaten up. he showed his bruises and his scars. i don't think hiding his face from the camera will do him any good with all the scars and bruises he exhibited. what was his sin that he had to be tortured this way? simply put, he was not chinese and he is not wealthy.

i am not chinese. i am not wealthy. ive got nothing to show for myself but myself. will i be as strong as this guy and continue loving the girl despite the torture and the constant threats? i really don't know. i don't even have to answer this question since i have no chinese girlfriend. but what if i was in his shoes? would i choose to stay in the relationship?

if the girl loves me enough to keep having the relationship with me, my answer would be: "hell yeah".

Day 4: The Approaching Weekend

2006-03-24T20:01:00.000+08:00

i went home late yesterday. even got lost on the way home. yesterday was a doozie. i met a friend from cebu who dropped by to get an interview for a potential job. she was still mostly the same. we went out a few times when i was in cebu and she hasn't changed much. that was around 3 years ago. she made me an offer that, on usual occasions, i simply couldn't refuse. but things are different now. she doesn't know about betty and it hurt her that she was rejected. i dont like rejecting people. i know how it feels like. i don't like ignoring people either. i know how that feels like too. but everyday, i stay out of betty's way so that her mind will be free of me so that she can think clearly about that things that matter in her life. it just pains me that i may not be one that mattered.

today was no different. subconciously i approached their area only because i was accustomed to it. i had to stop midway and do a 180 because i really had no reason to stop this "giving space" game eventhough no one is really winning it. veronica went away for the weekend. yna is busy in cebu minding her own problems. the olats team is breaking apart. the group was short-lived, and yet, still very much olats in their own individual ways. it's a weekend tomorrow. i have a feeling this will be another very long and painful weekend.

they say "if you love someone, you must set them free and if it comes back, they're yours..." but how long must one wait before you can say: "...if they don't, they never were"?

i'm being patient. i will wait. but for how long? who knows..

Day 2

2006-03-22T21:43:00.000+08:00

this is day two. the days keep getting shorter. when i want to see her, the days are unusually long. the wait is unbearable and i usually tend to get more work done in less time than usual. this allows me to make little time slices to move to their area and talk to her for a while. the wait before the 3pm break is also the longest time since lunch break. i usually cant wait to be with her. today, that was the shortest time i had. i started work around 6:30 am. i usually work early ever since i fell for her. this way, i get to spend more time with her during the day because i finish work early. but today... lets just say that i felt the day getting shorter. the weird part about this is i felt that i was also getting more tired than before.

i talked to her friends. it seems like she doesn't want me around for the meantime. it's all theory right now, but that's the general idea. they said it seems like she doesn't want to dive into another relationship. but i've also realized that if she doesn't want to go out with me, all she had to say was "no".

i've set a personal deadline about how long i want to wat.. if she still doesn't want to talk to me by then, i will try to move like she once told me... its going to be hard.

i've taken the first steps to learning a musical instrument today... my fingers hurt. she inspired me to start learning. this will be my gift to myself in memory of the happiness that she gave me.

Day 1

2006-03-21T22:45:00.000+08:00

first day without my first text of the day. no contact with her whatsoever in the office.. although i texted her goodnight just to tell that i hope everything is ok with her and that i am still here for her despite the obvious wall am i constructing between us. i haven't the slightest clue how this could help her. but if it will....

it has to be done.

So Near Yet So Far

2006-03-20T20:55:00.000+08:00

the last two weeks have been... interesting, to say the least. we went out a few times and we mostly had a good time. correction: i had a great time. i really don't know about her. rest assured, i tried my best to show her how much i cared and she told me that she really did enjoy that evening. this was mostly the reason why i temporarily stopped blogging. happiness was something that was to be expressed at the moment you experience it or otherwise, you will just be at a loss for words. i was happy... and i thought so was she.

that was last week. last saturday till today is another story.

i realized i never gave her a hug today. i made it a point to give her a hug every morning... and another one at 3pm break. i couldn't give her the morning hug properly since she refused to stand up from her chair. she left for her 3pm break without saying anything so i couldn't give her a hug at that time as well. we talked after work and before she left to watch a movie with friends. she couldn't look at me.
she's become indifferent. said she has been thinking a lot lately. but she never tells me what about. as i was talking to her today, she never once looked at me. she was hiding her face behind her beautiful hair. she was sitting next to me and yet i missed her like i she was so far away. she has become cold and distant. she pulls away when i reach for her hand. i am lost. i now know what it means to be so near to someone and yet so far away.

i have decided to stop sending her messages for now and stay away from their general area... unless, of course, she asks me for anything. i still care about her and i still get worried about her when she goes home late like today. but i decided that it would be best to leave her alone for a while. maybe it will help her sort things out. maybe she doesn't like me at all after all. maybe it was all just circumstance that we met. mere coincidence and not fate like i would like to believe.

or maybe she has just broken my heart one too many times....

indifference

n 1: unbiased impartial unconcern 2: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions [syn: emotionlessness, impassivity, impassiveness, phlegm, stolidity, unemotionality] 3: the trait of lacking enthusiasm for or interest in things generally [syn: apathy, spiritlessness] 4: the trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of concern [syn: nonchalance, unconcern]

the opposite of love is not hate. it's indifference. -elie wiesel

just for the record, she has never told me she loves me. i just happened to remember that quote... and i silently nod in affirmation.

Worst Date. Best Ending.

2006-03-06T21:52:00.000+08:00

worst. date. ever.

for someone who has spent the better part of the last few years dating, nothing went according to plan. i went on the most important date of this entire shenanigan lacking sleep. nothing went according to plan and everything was going haywire. we met a few of her friends just after i met her and i even got summoned to the office while having my date and ended up spending 3 hours with me working while betty was left waiting on the sidelines so we could finally spend time together and have that all important talk.

we had that talk.

she's giving me another chance and she's going to stop seeing him for now. he seems to have given up as soon as she texted it. it concerns me. but no matter. i have my chance. it's best not to spoil it.

it may not be so bad after all.

My Love is a Time Traveler

2006-03-06T21:43:00.000+08:00

contrary to popular belief, it's easy to fall in love with someone with a past. you can always say that the person you fell in love with is that way because of all the history that the person went through. come to think of it, everyone has a past that they want to forget. it's probably harder to fall in love with someone without a (known) past at all. that person might be an axe murderer waiting to kill you in your sleep... or worse a lorena bobbit.

on the other hand, falling in love with someone in the middle of a past and a future is just complicated. you are never sure if the person you love still wants to keep the past or just jump forward head first into the murky future..

am i a future? i sure like to think so. i'm not much of a future to myself and i take comfort that i can be in someone's future however short term that future is... but am i? betty is spending time with her past today... and tomorrow, she will hopefully be spending time with me. if she hasn't told him about it yet, i might still have a chance. she's already agreed to it. i just have a feeling that the past will try to influence her mind against it. after all, they did sign a "exclusive dating" agreement. ok, it's more like verbal agreement.

i hope she's looking forward to her murky future.

i am stuck in the present. waiting.

Do I Deserve This?

2006-02-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

the ex's blog before:

yes.. makaka move on na talaga ako.. lalo na ngayong alam ko na na easy-to-get pala tong ex na iniiyakan ko hehe.. imaginin mo na less than two months palang niya kilala ung guy.. nagpahalik agad.. no wonder pumapayag siya sa lahat ng gusto ko dati hehe

the ex's blog now:

as for sa guy, kinikwento ni [betty] na sobrang bitter daw tlga.. kung anu anu sinasabi at pinaparinig kay [betty] para magfish sa feelings ni [betty] for him.. nakausap ko siya sa ym nung last week after sinabi ni [betty] sa kanya na she will give me another chance to prove myself, and tinanung ko siya na kung siya ba ung tipong guy who never gives up kahit maging kami ulit ni [betty], sbi niya hindi daw.. pero if [betty] showed even the slightest sign na may gusto sya sa kanya, he will take the chance.. hmm, kaya siguro fish siya ng fish.. pag kumagat si [betty] sa pag fish niya eh im sure he will make a move.. pero eto lang ang masasabi ko, ang tigas ng ulo niya.. he is acting as if naging sila.. pinapa move on n nga siya ni [betty] eh pero ayaw pa niya.. anyway bahala siya.. siya lang ang masasaktan pag hindi niya ginawa un.. naiinis lang ako kasi drama king talaga siya! at sympre nagiguilty si [betty] everytime nagdadrama siya..

God is indeed mocking me.

note for those who knows who betty is: this is not her fault in any way. do not blame her... specially since i still have feelings for her...

A Shot of Demerol

2006-02-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

someone had the nerve to tell me that my problems are insignificant compared to other people's problems. no one but myself can tell me what problems are insignificant and what is life changing. then again, for the sake of blogging, i will explain. this is what blogging is about after all. so i can wallow in my self pity while i pretend that people actually read this.

if i really think about it, i didn't really gain anything nor lost anything. it's something like seeing my lottery numbers win on TV only to realize i actually forgot to buy the tickets. i have the same pains before i met her. i'm still poor. i still have a psychotic family. i'm still a cube monkey. none of that has changed. so why do i feel like i lost a huge part of me? here's an analogy:

guy goes to a doctor complaining of a severe chest pain that just wouldn't go away. doc tells him there is no cure and the pain is caused by a multitude of diseases known to man. several years pass and the doc calls him up and tells him of a wonderful new prototype drug. he agrees to be tested and before you know it, several years of pain are gone. he still has the diseases, but the pain is gone. he is happy.

now, imagine if you suddenly take that drug away from that man...

she is my ultimate pain killer.

Acceptance

2006-02-24T20:30:00.000+08:00

she told me to move on but she wants us to be friends. i have to accept that i am just a passing fancy that she took. i'm trying my hardest to become what i was the first time i met her. a friend she can rely on. it's hard. she's not being unfair. she chose... and she chose to let me go as someone who loves her and demoted me to a friend. normally, i would like it that i never speak to her again. but seeing that this is a weird situation, i need to make certain sacrifices... and besides, i like talking to her.

(10:45:59) r**ie:sa tingin mo, paano k makaka-recover dyan? kpg b lagi mo cya ksama?
(10:46:09) r**ie:d b mas mahirap un?
(10:46:16) m9d: yep. mas mahirap.
(10:46:21) m9d: pero yun ang gusto nya.
(10:46:32) m9d: at ayaw kong mahirapan sya
(10:46:58) r**ie::|
(10:47:13) r**ie:astig ka

i accept that i am not good enough.

her ex decided that they should start this thing called "exclusive dating". it's a weird concept for me but as long as it works for her, it's going to be ok with me. note: going to be. meanwhile her ex is out tonight with his little support group... err.. friends. along with the girl he used to seriously date while he and betty were officially separated. to make things weirder, he has actually kissed this girl as well. it's not actually weird that they kissed. what is weird is that he was seriously pissed when i kissed betty during that time. all men are alike after all.

i accept that all men are jerks (including me). except for the pope, i guess... ok.. most men.

i went to eurostar carnival with veronica last thursday. we've been going out a lot lately and i have this feeling that she likes me. it didn't help that the date was mostly romantic eventhough some parts of it were spent beside a little girl puking her guts out. there's something about a mostly empty carnival that makes you feel attraction to the person you are spending time with. i had fun eventhough i feel a bit guilty that i'm thinking of betty while i was with veronica and i get this feeling that she likes me... i'm not being arrogant. this is actually weird for me since veronica is betty's friend. in fact, they are both my friends. i'm actually looking like a modern day archie andrews and betty is dating reggie... and i don't even like that comic.

i accept that falling in love can make you suddenly attractive. (or maybe it's just the hair).

finally, i accept that this week has been weird and the succeeding weeks are only going to keep getting weirder.

"I'm Sorry"

2006-02-19T13:52:00.000+08:00

i started early on the scaffoldings today. almost got to finish it too. my world stopped she texted:

i'm sorry...

it's interesting how words that were meant to soothe and ease pain could cause so much hurting. she asks if we could still be friends... i said no. it would only hurt me more if i would pretend that everything is ok between us, specially when i know that she will be with the person that gave her so much pain and i was there to witness it. she could always run to me when he's being an ass again. i would be her tortured friend then...

she once told me that i make her life easier to deal with. that was the happiest new year celebration i had in years. she told me she cares about me and she greets me my "good mornings" and "good nights" and despite the pain that she brings occasionally, life has been so much better since she was around. i once asked her when are the times that she needed me. she replied with:

hmm... palagi? =) i just need you here by my side... =)

that was the point when i started to realize that my life had purpose. it wasn't world domination as i had originally thought. it was to make her happy. she says:

...di na ako masyadong nalulungkot... and i like being around you... you make me feel special...

hearing that was fulfillment for me.

a snippet from her blog entry told me that i was important and that she cared...

Another someone in my life makes me happy.. he's always there for me.. and he's helped me cope with my problems.. and I'm happy that he told me he likes me and misses me.. =) I like hearing him say that.. =)

Work has been better with him around.. and the mere fact that he's there by my side is enough..

it was bliss to know that i make... make that made her happy as well. she is my happiness after all...

in the end, all she could say was:

i'm really sorry for getting you involved... :|

that's it. i was merely involved. i knew there was a possibility it would come to this.. and yet i hoped that everything would be ok. that somehow she would know that i was better for her. that i was the one who could make her happy without all the maintenance costs that she incurred with her previous relationship... i couldn't be more wrong.

but i respect her wishes. her happiness matters to me and her happiness is with him. she still has my heart but her ex still holds hers.

i was once a broken man.
she came and made me whole.
and now again, i'm broken apart...
only now i'm missing my heart.

the end.

my strength... and my happiness... my purpose... is gone.
nothing to do now but try world domination once again.

I Got Wood

2006-02-18T22:27:00.000+08:00

most people have no idea about the amout of work i put in on weekends. they have this notion that when i say i'm tired, i mean that "i'm thinking too much while sitting in front of a keyboard typing". that's only true during weekdays. on weekends and monday mornings, when i say i'm tired, i mean: "my whole body hurts and i don't want to move and i can't really think".

to give you an example... today my task was to clean up the back of the house since most of the used wood for the scaffolding had to be relocated.

i had to transform this:

into this:

it's the end of the day and i'm still not done. there are several things to note if you are going to attempt this.

start early.
you will get splinters. wear good gloves.
wood of different lengths, widths, and weights do not stack well.
remove exposed nails. it's quite dangerous and the planks won't even stack at all.
stack neatly when possible. specially if you are stacking at the height i'm working with. wear a construction helmet if you have one.

in spite of everything, a text coming from her that says:

pahinga ka muna.. ;p *hugs*

makes everything seem a little bit better and tolerable. she gives me strength. she is my happiness.

Nothing Much Changed

2006-02-17T23:18:00.000+08:00

she still loves him...
they might go out a few more times again...but she still likes my hugs...

filll up the positive for me.
and the negative one too.

She's Out

2006-02-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

tonight is the night.

she's still out. hasn't texted yet. i hope she's having fun. from the looks of it, she is. she usually texts when something has gone horribly wrong.

i miss her. i wonder what tomorrow will bring.

a text from a dear friend:

i've realized that life is indeed full of contradictions.
sometimes it's crazy to be sane,
you need to fall to fly,
people suffer because you care,
you have to unlearn to know the lesson,
you have to give up because you are strong,
you have to be wrong to make things right,
nonetheless, life's complexities are also life's source of beauty.
we should cry to laugh again,
and get hurt to love again.

Cadena De Amor

2006-02-15T07:11:00.000+08:00

valentines day was yesterday but the whole event (ordeal) is not really over yet. the events were quite out of the ordinary. my officemate sent flowers to the object (this should be "person". not object) of his affection. sent 3 roses in the morning. 6 at noon and 12 in the afternoon.

f(n) = 3 * 2^n where n is 0 to 2

well... he is a programmer after all.

yna was smart to take the leave off. the day was weird enough in itself. feb 14 was the day we were supposed to take our annual medical exam. x-rays, drawing blood, pissing in a cup and bending over exposing your ass was not my idea of a romantic evening for two.

the day kept getting better. betty had an unexpected text message from her ex asking her to meet so he could give her some gifts. she agreed to meet him. this was happening while the song "i'd still say yes" was playing over and over in my head.

i spent the rest of the day with veronica. she couldn't stop talking about F4 and hongkong but she consoled me when i finally broke down. i realized that i really shouldn't be hoping at all. if i had to pick between the ex and myself (in a manly way) i still wouldn't pick myself. i'm not exactly a prime specimen. i am in no way suffering from a low self esteem. in fact, i think highly of myself although i avoid being egotistic. i know my limits. not exactly brad bitt and definitely no einstein either. i really don't know the other guy's credentials. although i hear that he's a real stud according to betty... a real jerk if you ask me.

she's still undecided. i'm still hoping. only now i hope that she has a nice evening tomorrow... i hope them the best... and i hope that her ex has really changed for the better.

ako'y nagagapos ng cadena de amor.

Deadlines

2006-02-13T10:24:00.000+08:00

it's monday. they are going out this coming thursday night.
he's going to try to win her back.

i have 4 days to make her understand what i am worth in her life.
(and i have to do this without hoping for the best)

i have no idea what to do.

this deadline never felt so deadly.
my heart and my future is at stake.

A Man Without Hope

2006-02-12T10:17:00.000+08:00

a friend suggested that i should just let her go. i don't necessarily have to forget about her. i just need to stop hoping that she picks me. this way, i couldn't hurt more while waiting. it makes a weird kind of sense. but as usual, it got me thinking..

"what is there left for man without hope?"

lets see.. wikipedia defines hope as:

Hope is a emotional belief in the possibility of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances within one's personal life, which may regard a minor issue or an extremely important matter. Hope implies a certain amount of perseverance —ie. believing that something is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.

and what about the absence of it? what remains when you have absolutely nothing to hope for? do you actually rid yourself of pain? google gave me some results:

The man without hope is barely alive. His wish is to lie down in sleep and never wake up. His desire is to one day cease to be. Man reaches this state of despair when he refuses to be touched by love, when he chooses to be alone in the world and love no one.

sounds like i've been living without hope for most of the last few years... and she gave me that hope again which made me feel happy... and now i have to let go of that hope again... if only to have some sense of normalcy. where normalcy in my case is being bitter and lonely.

i don't usually listen to kid rock. but this time, part of his lyrics seem appropriate.

...
Maybe I forgot all the things I've missed
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times And I still stand firm
You get what you put in And people get what they deserve

Still I ain't seen mine No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking that thin line
So I think I'll keep on walking With my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why
- - Only God Knows Why by Kid Rock

and life drags on...